please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
