My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
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So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
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All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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