i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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