You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
