Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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