Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
