So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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