the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
