she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
