Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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