I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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