I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
