literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
