all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
