hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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