i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It's like God shit irony all over that family
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
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theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
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Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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