Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
