Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
