Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
