after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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