ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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