I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
