New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
sarcasm needs its own font
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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