they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
