i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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