This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
