He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
