Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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