Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
