I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
