I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
