Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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