I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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