I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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