I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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