the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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