You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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