3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
