i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Randomize
