It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
