I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
