The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
