I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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