Your mouth is God's brothel.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
