whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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