I puked a lego.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
