she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Drunk walkin through police station. America
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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