now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I accidentally burped into my bong.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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