Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
