im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
