i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
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I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
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But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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