Swine flu. Run for my life!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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