i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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