Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
