Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
